1. Human babies wear diapers: They do not leave crop circles on your grass and you do not have to search for baby doo doo bombs in your yard. Rarely do you find a new human baby poopy spot with your foot.
2. Human babies do not dig holes in your yard: At least not while they are babies. Finding new holes with your feet while chasing energetic puppies through your yard is really not fun for anyone involved.
3. Human babies do not have teeth: Human babies and canine babies both chew on things but human babies are seldom as destructive as canine babies. When human babies chew on your hands, seldom do they draw blood. Vampire babies are different, but for the sake of clarity, we're not discussing vampire babies.
4. Human babies stay where you put them: This is definitely variable and is highly dependant on the age of said human baby, but for the most part, you can put a 3 month old human baby in a crib/enclosure secure in the knowledge they will not vault out of or dig/chew their way out of said crib/enclosure. The same cannot be said of 3 month old canine babies.
5. Human babies do not chase cats: They certainly try, but they're really not up for actual chasing for at least a couple of years.
6. You do not have to get up at 5 am to let human babies outside to pee: And when they get outside, human babies do not decide that every 5 am blade of grass smells different than all other Godly hour grass and must sniff every blade individually.
7. Human babies do not get so excited every time a new person enters your house that they feel the need to jump all over/lick/nibble/piddle said new person: This really bugs me. It's a typical puppy thing and I know that someday it is possible she won't do this, but it is vexing. Calm down already puppy! New people really aren't that exciting.
8. You do not have to leave human babies outside when you go into a public place to do stuff: In the olden days, they used to, but that's not ok anymore.
But yes, there are ways in which canine babies are easier than human babies. So, I submit for your perusal: Ways Canine Babies are Easier than Human Babies:
1. Canine babies sleep better/longer than human babies: Again, this one is variable and if your newborn slept a solid 6 hours at 13 weeks, I prefer to believe they are the stuff of myth, like unicorns and leprechauns. My puppy sleeps from 9-11, goes out to pee and then sleeps through til 5ish. My human babies slept in 3-4 hour chunks at this age regardless of what I did. When she does wake, I have only to let her out for a pee (which she takes care of on her own) and put her back to bed.
2. You can leave canine babies home alone in a kennel for several hours with various chew toys: I probable don't have to tell you this, but DCFS tends to frown on this in the case of human babies. Nuff said.
3. You only have to feed canine babies 2-3 times a day and bottles/breasts (after 8ish weeks) are not involved: This one really doesn't need elaboration. Sometimes self-feeding is awesome.
4. It is perfectly fine to put a collar and leash on your canine baby and no one feels morally opposed /the need to debate it on Facebook: Yeah. I said it. Human babies with leashes tend to spark philosophical debate. Not so canine babies. Also, no one bats an eye when you harness up your canine baby and go for a bike ride while she runs alongside. Substitute a human baby and I suspect things would be different. Note: this is not an invitation to try it. In fact, I urge you not to try it. I know I shouldn't have to actually voice this, but as this is the interweb, I really do.
5. It is absolutely fine to give your canine baby a huge bone to gnaw on so that you can get shit done: This one is a little nuanced. I mean, we frequently give our human babies stuff to gnaw on so that we can do stuff, but they tend not to be things they can actually consume and they don't tend to buy us a lot of time. Canine babies can be presented with Kongs filled with peanut butter, or big, hardened, stick-like versions of dog food and they'll be happy for up to an hour until they manage to completely demolish them. You can also use food to train your canine baby to do all manner of tricks. This doesn't work for human babies. They're just underachievers when it comes to learning tricks unless you consider crying, panting, laughing, babbling or excreting (drool, poo, pee, puke) to be tricks. But then, they rarely do any of these things on command.
6. You do not have to push around or strap a canine baby to your person for outings: Some people choose to do so, but in general, it is not a requirement.
7. You can leave canine babies outside/in vehicles (*****PROVIDED THE AMBIENT TEMPERATURE IS APPROPRIATE!******): No one bats an eye if you tie your canine baby up to a telephone pole (well away from traffic) or in your car with the windows down appropriately while you run into the store to grab some milk. Do not attempt to do this with a human baby. It will not end well for anyone involved.
So there you have it. The list is made and set in stone. Human babies are easier. I have declared it to be so. I concede it was a close one. Both human and canine babies are incredibly cute and there are distinct advantages to having one or both. I will say, it is a good thing they're both cute. Just a little anecdotal data for your Monday morning perusal.
